Reflection: Assertiveness on Decision

Dear universe,

I think, I should close my ears, eyes, and mouth as soon as possible, then start thinking logically, because I am still questioning : Where is their quality of assertiveness? I believe when BIG DECISION made,we will sacrifice some other aspects (can be stuff or person) that we already struggled for or hold on for a long time. I know it's very hard, but that's a big deal. We named it CHOICE and CONSEQUENCES. Some people might need more time to wait, calculate, predict, and finally logically act. But at the end, it will proof whether it is worthy decision or only playful one.

Sometimes, the ambiguity and dilemma comes within BIG DECISION. But that what life teaches us. It's all about choices, and responsibility to take a consequences when risk happens. But, the practice on the real life is not as easy as it was written. In life, most times we act in our comfort zone or safety box. We want no one hurts and no one complain. But, how long it will last? So, all we can do is (again) wait and wait for the momentum is coming. I don't know. All I know is : it's not easy.

Best regards,

Kiki Fauzia

About Love

image from here

What I posted on the previous entry titled "Abstract Entry" abstractly described my feeling at that time. I just implicitly said that I suffered yet enjoyed at the same time the joy to be drugged on abstract feeling, called "love". Since I felt abstract and consciously thought that it will last only temporary, so I deprived the feeling. So, I lied to myself about what's going on. But then I listened to the song whose lyric told me that "Love will never lie". So I nodded, and understood I can lie others but I can't lie myself. But the substantial question is not about falling in love or love itself, but how far it will go? Or in popular verses, (Mau dibawa ke mana....). Haha.. That question will take me further to other variants which involved consequence, responsibility, and principle.

Love is indeed beautiful feeling when we can be so ecstatic, energetic, and euphoric about something or someone. Then, I found such a nice poem from Rumi on Love. "Wherever you are, whatever you do, be in love". Yeah, Rumi is such a great Lover, in different degree of love. He really captivated me with the noble yet majestic love that can't be argued. Yeah, I am now falling in love with the poetry about Love by Rumi.

It's only intermezzo in the middle of reading journals for my thesis. Yeah, yesterday my Mom reminded me about the essence of priority, and showed me a gateway to move forward to another life journey, which should be started by finishing my thesis. Thanks Mom. Anyway today is her birthday. I sent her message last night and she answered back with such a great prayer to her children. Thank you for your endless love, support and prayers, Mom! I guess it is also another sample of genuine love that will never lie.

Please enjoy Rumi's poems :

This World Which Is Made of Our Love for Emptiness

Praise to the emptiness that blanks out existence. Existence:
This place made from our love for that emptiness!

Yet somehow comes emptiness,
this existence goes.

Praise to that happening, over and over!
For years I pulled my own existence out of emptiness.

Then one swoop, one swing of the arm,
that work is over.

Free of who I was, free of presence, free of dangerous fear, hope,
free of mountainous wanting.

The here-and-now mountain is a tiny piece of a piece of straw
blown off into emptiness.

These words I'm saying so much begin to lose meaning:
Existence, emptiness, mountain, straw:

Words and what they try to say swept
out the window, down the slant of the roof.




Love is Reckless

Love is reckless; not reason.

Reason seeks a profit.

Love comes on strong,

consuming herself, unabashed.

Yet, in the midst of suffering,

Love proceeds like a millstone,

hard surfaced and straightforward.

Having died of self-interest,

she risks everything and asks for nothing.

Love gambles away every gift God bestows.

Without cause God gave us Being;

without cause, give it back again.

Thanks Rumi, your poem is such a medicine for my reckless love. Thank you, I feel enlightened :)

Abstract Entry

gambar dari sini

"Terkadang, 'rasa' datang tanpa butuh alasan. Dan seringkali rindu menghampiri, tanpa permisi." (KF, 2011)

My Recent Feeling

Arghh, perasaan saya sedang abstrak. Sulit untuk diungkapkan, hanya saya sendiri yang menikmati. Rahasia kedalaman hati yang tidak ingin saya bagi, secara gamblang. Hati sedang melankolis, tapi logika pikir mengatakan, " Ini hanya temporary!" Sindrom yang wajar, dialami banyak orang. Tapi, harus dikendalikan dan diarahkan ke sisi-sisi yang lebih positif. Walaupun, banyak jalan yang bersimpangan, tidak paralel ke satu tujuan, namun banyak kebijakan dan ketenangan yang saya gali dan pelajari.

Terima kasih telah memberikan sepihak rasa untuk kekayaan jiwa. Biarkanlah waktu yang menuntun secara sabar untuk menemukan alurnya. Apakah nanti, menyublim atau tersedimentasi. (?)

This is truly abstract. Thank you for reading.

Kindest regards,

Kiki Fauzia

Midnight Mumbling

Midnight now. Just woke up from my short-nap, after had a terrible headache. This time of the day, I supposed to surrender with all my heart and soul to whom I belong to. But the hardest thing is I almost lost my spirit and fidelity in what I believe as my ideal virtue. Hence, I always need the magnitude of a force, can be from anyone or anything, that able to grasp me spiritually and emotionally. Then, I should find my best rhythm, and create beautiful rhymes.

I felt grateful that things got done today. I was happy that I still could laugh cheerfully and joked my silly antics with friends of mine. My best accomplishment then is when they smiled and laughed happily. The existence of happiness in every one's heart is the best medicine to cure all the sickness in my heart. Worrisome and dissatisfaction are the enemy of happiness, that gnaw my inside-peace.

Never expect that all people are able to know and understand us well. Perception and justification are scattered around us. Sometimes, I felt bothered in the matter of those thinking. But I also realized that sometimes, I didn't understand people as well. Many times I also had a hard time to understand others ways of thinking. Because people are so unique compared one to others. Because people had different minds, characteristics, priority, motivation, and intention. Therefore, communication and discussion are very important stage of human's behavior. And, I am still learning to improve my interpersonal and communication skills.

I started today with the optimism to handle my responsibility. Responsibility taught me a lot of things, and we have been friends for years. But I consider myself as a bad friend thou. Responsibility also meets me with various great friends. One great friend of mine this morning asked me, "Kiki, what excited you?" That surprised me a lot. A simple yet meaningful question I never though about. Then, I tried to answer it by mentioning few things that excited me. At that time I answered, "seeing good friends, traveling, holidays, an insightful lecture, good grades, watching great movies, and many other things I called as accomplishment. " A shallow answer, but in my daily basis those are exciting enough for boosting my spirit.

My friend responded it effortlessly, "I wish I could think as simple as yours". Then I found out that what bothered her the most is 'relationship/companionship' thingy. I really understand what made her mood so bad today, and why she thought that life isn't getting so exciting anymore. After listening her stories, I realized that each one has their own priority and an ideal virtue. Then, I tried to reflect on my side.

When life has been so flat and not exciting anymore, I think I need 'a charge and a change'. A charge could be understood as (re)charging our spirits and motivations. We need to not only recharge, but also burn out our spirits and motivations. There are many things that successfully increased my spirit and motivations. For me just simple as what I already mentioned above. Beside that, a change is definitely needed when we had no improvement and betterment in our recent life or career, especially when we have potentials and capacity to grow.

What I feel I need right now is a spiritual (re)charge and a better chance for a change. Bismillah, God, I need Your Light and I want to be the light for others too. Please kindly lead my way for betterment for myself and others.

Regards,

Kiki Fauzia

Random Questions

"Mbak Kiki kapan nikah?"
** Seharusnya ditanyain kapan lulusnya dulu dong dik. Menikahi skripsi dulu baiknya. Kalau sudah sip dan sah, maka syarat minimal sudah terpenuhi lah insyaAllah.
"Mbak Kiki tutor ya di kelas ini?"
** Padahal saya kan masih mengambil 3 SKS mata kuliah ini.

Dua pertanyaan random itu keluar dari ucap spontan dan polos kedua adik angkatan saya hari ini. Pertanyaan yang sederhana, dan mungkin tidak mempunyai motivasi apa-apa, selain adanya keingintahuan. Namun nampaknya saya harus mulai merenungkannya, dan memberikan jawaban yang paling masuk akal, terutama dengan kesadaran penuh : dimana kaki saya berpijak sekarang dan mau kemana (dan bagaimanakah) langkah ini akan dibawa. Akankah merangkak, tertatih, berjalan pelan, berjalan tergesa, ataukah berlari. Saya yang harus merencanakan dan memutuskan. Semoga tidak akan terlalu banyak penundaan, dan kesia-siaan tentunya.

Semangat move on & move forward!

Kiki Fauzia