This year would be different. Most my closest friends are married already, this year, and the year before. It is sometimes hard for me to think that it is really already the time. Family and myself are really aware that we just needs to pray and ask Allah for that. My parents are the one who consider that as priority (maybe after completing thesis). They always told me that each night they always pray for that. It was their priority wish-list. And I am really thankful for that.
I also appreciated parent's efforts who introduced me to many friends which I ended up 'do not know where to go' or 'do not clique for some reasons'. They happened to give up for introducing more people. Then, my brother who had the idea to tell me about his friends. I myself are open-minded person, would not refuse this kind of approach as long as it would not hurt or take advantage or bother other people. Moreover, in the mean time, I also have a close friend who is really caring, loving, and kind, yet unsure when and where we will end up since we will face many differences. Destiny is a real mystery.
I sometimes think that my past contributed to my present life. Therefore, maybe I had many mistake and was guilty so I need to reflect and ask forgiveness or more 'Istighfar' to Allah. Or, maybe Allah tested me so that I can get closer to Him. Ramadhan is the best time to really purify my soul and surrender all my heart and life. However, it was really challenging to fight with our nafs to Dunya. Astaghfirullah. Hopefully this year I can get the answer. I myself do not want to force much and am still enjoying the process to improve myself. I am still far for being an ideal or better Muslimah or person.
Sometime thing that really hits me is the feeling of completeness of being woman; having family and kids for sure. It just made me envy more is when I see a Mom and her lovely kids. Also it really burden me when my parents start to tease me that they are ready and wanting for grandchildren. Or when my younger brother thought that he is more than ready than I am. At first, I was being uneasy and kinda yelled at him, but recently I was just being calm and support his decision as long as my parents give their approval.
I hope when the questions are being asked, I would be able to respond it nicely and elegantly! But, tell me, how??
15 Ramadhan 1435 H