Monday, April 25, 2011

About Love

image from here


What I posted on the previous entry titled "Abstract Entry" abstractly described my feeling at that time. I just implicitly said that I suffered yet enjoyed at the same time the joy to be drugged on abstract feeling, called "love". Since I felt abstract and consciously thought that it will last only temporary, so I deprived the feeling. So, I lied to myself about what's going on. But then I listened to the song whose lyric told me that "Love will never lie". So I nodded, and understood I can lie others but I can't lie myself. But the substantial question is not about falling in love or love itself, but how far it will go? Or in popular verses, (Mau dibawa ke mana....). Haha.. That question will take me further to other variants which involved consequence, responsibility, and principle.

Love is indeed beautiful feeling when we can be so ecstatic, energetic, and euphoric about something or someone. Then, I found such a nice poem from Rumi on Love. "Wherever you are, whatever you do, be in love". Yeah, Rumi is such a great Lover, in different degree of love. He really captivated me with the noble yet majestic love that can't be argued. Yeah, I am now falling in love with the poetry about Love by Rumi.

It's only intermezzo in the middle of reading journals for my thesis. Yeah, yesterday my Mom reminded me about the essence of priority, and showed me a gateway to move forward to another life journey, which should be started by finishing my thesis. Thanks Mom. Anyway today is her birthday. I sent her message last night and she answered back with such a great prayer to her children. Thank you for your endless love, support and prayers, Mom! I guess it is also another sample of genuine love that will never lie.

Please enjoy Rumi's poems :

    This World Which Is Made of Our Love for Emptiness

    Praise to the emptiness that blanks out existence. Existence:
    This place made from our love for that emptiness!

    Yet somehow comes emptiness,
    this existence goes.

    Praise to that happening, over and over!
    For years I pulled my own existence out of emptiness.

    Then one swoop, one swing of the arm,
    that work is over.

    Free of who I was, free of presence, free of dangerous fear, hope,
    free of mountainous wanting.

    The here-and-now mountain is a tiny piece of a piece of straw
    blown off into emptiness.

    These words I'm saying so much begin to lose meaning:
    Existence, emptiness, mountain, straw:

    Words and what they try to say swept
    out the window, down the slant of the roof.


    Love is Reckless

Love is reckless; not reason.

Reason seeks a profit.

Love comes on strong,

consuming herself, unabashed.

Yet, in the midst of suffering,

Love proceeds like a millstone,

hard surfaced and straightforward.

Having died of self-interest,

she risks everything and asks for nothing.

Love gambles away every gift God bestows.

Without cause God gave us Being;

without cause, give it back again.


Thanks Rumi, your poem is such a medicine for my reckless love. Thank you, I feel enlightened :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Abstract Entry

gambar dari sini

"Terkadang, 'rasa' datang tanpa butuh alasan. Dan seringkali rindu menghampiri, tanpa permisi." (KF, 2011)

My Recent Feeling

Arghh, perasaan saya sedang abstrak. Sulit untuk diungkapkan, hanya saya sendiri yang menikmati. Rahasia kedalaman hati yang tidak ingin saya bagi, secara gamblang. Hati sedang melankolis, tapi logika pikir mengatakan, " Ini hanya temporary!" Sindrom yang wajar, dialami banyak orang. Tapi, harus dikendalikan dan diarahkan ke sisi-sisi yang lebih positif. Walaupun, banyak jalan yang bersimpangan, tidak paralel ke satu tujuan, namun banyak kebijakan dan ketenangan yang saya gali dan pelajari.

Terima kasih telah memberikan sepihak rasa untuk kekayaan jiwa. Biarkanlah waktu yang menuntun secara sabar untuk menemukan alurnya. Apakah nanti, menyublim atau tersedimentasi. (?)

This is truly abstract. Thank you for reading.

Kindest regards,

Kiki Fauzia

Monday, April 11, 2011

Orang Tua Ketika Senja

Credit picture : here

Seperti pada tulisan-tulisan sebelumnya, pulang selalu mengilhami. Untuk itulah, sebisa mungkin saya selalu pulang ketika kondisi mengizinkan. Selagi belum sekolah jauh atau terikat kontrak kerja yang memberatkan. Itu yang dipesankan orang tua. Kesempatan pulang selalu saya manfaatkan untuk bermanja dengan waktu luang dan kasih sayang. Dua hal berharga yang mahal dibeli di zaman sekarang ini. Rumah dan orang tua adalah dua kerinduan yang membumikan langkah saya, yang jarang merunduk ramah pada asal, tanah, dan sejarah. Padahal, dimana pun kita membumbung tinggi, jiwa kita harus santun memijak pada bumi ketulusan yang mengikat kita secara biologi dan nurani.

Seusai acara di Surabaya minggu lalu, saya menyempatkan pulang. Sudah beberapa bulan saya tidak pulang karena harus menyelesaikan kewajiban. Oleh karenanya, Minggu lalu saya pulang dengan membawa segudang cerita dan senyuman. Saya senang bisa pulang dan mengganggu bulan madu orang tua saya. Maklum mereka berdua saja di rumah, menikmati hari dari ujung ke ujung waktu lain. Berdua saja, tanpa anak yang meramaikan rutinitas harian mereka. Itulah yang membuat saya sedih ketika harus pamit kembali ke Jogja. Mereka pasti akan 'merajuk', rumah kembali sepi. Namun itulah konsekuensi ketika mempunyai dua ananda yang menuntut ilmu di tempat jauh . Di sisi lain saya bangga dan berterima kasih kepada mereka yang percaya dan bijaksana, mengizinkan anaknya kemana pun hendak belajar dan mengejar impian.

Di suatu senja sore, minggu lalu. Saya dan bapak duduk bersama di ruang makan. Kami berbincang ringan tentang berbagai hal. Waktu itu saya menceritakan tentang Mbak Minah, gadis belia ceria nan cekatan yang selama ini membantu ibu kos mengurus pekerjaan rumah tangga. Minggu lalu dia pulang ke kampungnya di Wonosobo, mengemas seluruh pakaiannya, dan tak ujung kembali ke kos sampai saat ini. Entah, sampai saat ini kami hanya bisa menduga-duga alasan kepergiannya.

Di akhir cerita, tiba-tiba Bapak berkomentar, "Nduk, nanti mama bapak perlu pembantu ga?". Saya kaget mendengar reaksi Bapak. Belum sempat saya tanyakan lebih lanjut, Bapak berujar, "Ya, kalau sekarang Bapak dan Mama masih sehat dan kuat, masih mampu mengurus dan membersihkan rumah. Tapi suatu saat nanti, pasti kami tidak sanggup mengerjakan semua sendiri, menyapu rumah, menyuci baju, menyetrika, dan lain-lainnya. Sehingga butuh bantuan orang lain" Saya berkaca-kaca dan terharu mendengarnya. Selama ini keluarga kecil kami memang terbiasa mandiri. Segala pekerjaan rumah tangga diselesaikan bersama-sama, dengan kesadaran diri dan rasa saling memiliki. Dan saya sepakat, pasti suatu saat nanti ketika usia beranjak naik, semua pasti akan berbeda.

Percakapan sore itu menyentil saya untuk meninjau kembali rancangan masa depan. Sudahkah kita menempatkan (atau paling tidak, memikirkan) orang tua dalam rancangan masa depan kita. Sudah cukup egois kah kita dalam bermimpi? Di manakah orang tua kita di mimpi yang kita bangun? Pernahkah kamu menanyakan mimpi orang tua di masa depan? Padahal, saya yakin, pasti di mimpi mereka selalu ada dirimu di sana. Anak-anak mereka sebagai tokoh utama.

Orang tua yang hebat dan bijak tidak pernah memaksakan cita-cita kepada anaknya. Mereka akan selalu mendukung apapun pilihan dan mimpi kita, dan juga menerima kita apa adanya, pun dalam titik nadhir kehidupan. Tidak ada yang mereka minta, selain selalu memberi, tulus doa terbaik untuk anaknya. Oleh karenanya jangan pernah kecewakan mereka. Bakti dan santun cinta kita untuk mereka merupakan bukti nyata kasih sayang yang tiada tara.

Salam memperbaiki diri,

Kiki Fauzia

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Flash of 'Mocha Coffee-Milk' Tale

credit picture here

Before Getting Involved, Know Yourself First and then, Break Your Limits!

I committed to jump in ‘Candradimuka crater’ once again, in a different place with a different motivation and circumstances. But it really recalled my old memory, three years ago when I heated up on this kind of battlefield. The differences, I was almost three years older now and there were some technical yet unessential distinctions to note. Instead of all I experienced and learned, I felt overwhelm, blank and rich at the same time. Blank and weightless were just like ‘de ja vu’, an exact feeling as I finished the last personal-interview section three years ago. Rich was due to all insights, mind-recharging, inspirations, and friendship I got during the two days quarantine. But then, these two feelings exhausted me for a while until I consciously opened my eyes on the next day. Then, I felt grateful and decided to give a huge smile because the sun still intently warmed my skin and my heart. I still smiled because I had nothing to hide; nothing to complain, and wouldn’t grumble on the back. And they were wrong if think so.

I heard quite often a wise word,
‘experience is the best teacher’. On this case, not for me, I really had no idea what ‘the teacher’ already taught me. Yeah, that’s a fool of me. The worst part is I couldn’t mention at least one of benefits I gained from my previous experience. In fact, it’s plenty after I reflected again lately. And I think it’s really pathetic that I couldn’t come up with such a sincere yet solemn answer. I didn’t know why, but I knew the problem is on me, and attached on my limits need to be founded, my self-identity, and my persona. After all, I still question myself, “DO I NEED TO CHANGE? In what extent?” And I actually got some answers. Therefore, the decision needs to be made. Just like what Mba’ Atri said to me “it’s all up to you whether you want to apply the other colors or not, whether you want to use what you have already absorbed or not,”

Processing the Metamorphose

I started the struggle with a high hope to win the battle and strengthen my wings. I began a day before D-day with such a disappointed and bad feeling. First, it’s out of our control when the weather turned dark and ‘angry’. Second, we already did our best and anticipated the lateness by saving a couple hours on ‘our pocket’, but then man only made a plan, and the rest depended on X factors, including others and stuffs. Finally, God is the only One who disposed. Third, I couldn’t accept any unrealistic reasons and consequences to teach others about the meaning of punctuality. Then, I concluded that it would be such kind of militaristic way to discipline people. What I agreed then is that we couldn’t blame and scapegoat-ing others from our own-mistake. So, a mature people would be fully responsible of what they have done. And at the end, I appreciated the win-win solution offered by the committee.

At first, I felt calm and excited to experience what is like to be on the quarantine. There were three things that made me glad and never regret: First, I invented new friendship and new family in my home-province. It’s always delightful to made new friends who can enrich our horizon and life itself. I felt very affluent when looked upon them, both the participants and the committee. It’s like seeing mirror and rainbow. I liked mirror-ing myself when I saw the reflections of me from their role and character. And, I was surprised yet proud when they showed me the beauty of ‘rainbow’. And once again, it enriched me and effortlessly opened my eyes to the power of process itself.

Second, it’s a worth-chance to know my beloved province, East Java, better. Since I am almost four years studying in Yogyakarya, below my self-consciousness, I have often admitted that my knowledge and understanding about Jogja is much better than my own-province, including the people and the place. But, don’t ever doubt on my pride and my sense of belonging to East-Java. No need to question on those. East Java is very unique and distinctive. Despite the geographical and cultural mixture, it ranges widely from west to east, from north coastal to south coastal, from the land to the sea, and others. The dialect and daily conversation is also different from one region to another.

My small-observation met the answer when I saw, listened, and interacted with the 24 youth potential. I enjoyed a lot when we talked and joke around with Boso Jowo. In my daily basis, either in Blitar or Jogja, I used to speak kromo with my parents, and also elder people. But in my peer environment, I accustomed to speaking Bahasa Indonesia to make other friends who mostly came from another background and culture understands the idea of or conversation. In Surabaya on the last three days, I really enjoyed the privilege of speaking with my mother-tongue language, Boso Jowo. And it’s interesting to identify the use of different particles in conversation, such as …ta? Rek,

After all, some committee judged me that I am more Jogjanese than East Javanese or Blitarnese? What a surprised! I myself hadn’t asked the reasons yet. I assumed one of their pre-assumptions was on the matter of straightforwardness, and also in line with my nature. But it happened quite a lot thou when many friends often thought that I am originally from Jogja or Solo or Central Java. And only a few believed that I am from East Java. Is this a part of people justification and stereotype towards others? So, please mind your thought!

Before I started mumbling around, I would conclude the last thing that made me glad during the process. It is the breeze of competition. Lately, I have been hectic inside my own-shell which is my environment and my activities, such as my undergraduate –thesis and heap of works in the office. These two things grabbed most my attention and time until I forgot to update the news and upgrade myself. It’s my comfort zone that satisfies my recent-priority and future target. So, what wrong? I guess, the reason is when we feel enough and satisfied, we easily forget that we need to perpetually improve ourselves, and look beyond our shell to find out what’s more than ‘meet on the eyes.’

The competition made me aware that my I had to keep progressing and processing my self. It’s not only about my accomplishment and satisfaction I reached, but what we have given and what we have contributed, for the sake of betterment not only for me, but also my surrounding. Creating a small step to generate the massive awareness is also essential to advance the nation.

‘Diaspora is only an ice-berg’

From the moment on, I won’t forget the relation between DIASPORA and DISPORA. It made me realize that I really need a brain supplement and an outrageous therapy. That’s really true^^. And too bad, I just realized it. On my turn of sudden speech, I had twice chances to pick the topic. My first pick is Joko Tingkir. Oh Gosh, I was not really sure what the legend is about. My brain kept telling me about Rara Anteng and Joko Seger which I knew was the absolute wrong. So, with Bismillah I picked another one. And tarrraaa, I got DIASPORA. Ohhhh damn! It sounded very familiar, but I totally blank, forgot, and ‘messed up’ as if my brain cells ruined my memory and logical thinking. So the result, I stiffed powerlessly and spoke in a silent voice. At that time, I felt like flying after consuming drugs until I finished answering series questions related to the topic.

I disappointed myself, because two things. First I lost my voice on the sudden speech matters. I am late to realize that it's not only about the topic but how we should formulate a speech in certain time with our creativity, spontaneous yet fast-thinking and just be confident to keep talking. Second, I embarrassed many labels tagged in me, especially the department and university I belong to. I should have become an expert of this topic but the fact is the contrary. So, the outrageous therapy needs to be made at the earliest convenience. The DIASPORA precedent is only an ice-berg phenomenon about finding my limitations. And I couldn't agree more with Mas Yesaya who said that we should have in-depth understanding towards the knowledge or issues, as a whole, not only from its skin.

The continuous lesson learned filled in each session. For me, it's not only about liberating myself from my comfort zone, but also about honestly finding and admitting my limits. Hence, I should learn as follows: to think and learn fast, focus on what in front of us, rehearse to memorizing the others name properly, learn history and culture of Indonesia and East Java, and be brave and confident of our capacity. Because after we have discovered the limits, we would be able to take a small step to cross our boundaries. It's indeed not comfortable at first. But then, we would realize how an exceptional experience we passed through.

New Family Made

These two days in quarantine meant a lot to me. The time went slowly but turned out productively and unforgettably. We shared many moments together, from ‘yell-yell’, talent show, city exploration, group dynamic, and many other moments to remember. From the cheerful encouragement until the heart-sport of high tense session, that bonded us as one family, in the name of hope and dream. I was so proud and glad to be one of them. They are mostly younger than me, but who knows that they are more passionate, enthusiastic, braver, and have potential inner-self and talent that will grow and glow brightly in the future.

After all, I would like to extend my sincere gratitude and big 'standing-applause' to the whole committee who succeed to spread a positive spirit to us. Each of them has inspired me in various possible ways that at the end, will lead me to follow my dreams. And for all the readers, please keep in mind that before getting involved, know yourself first, then, break your limits to discover a brand-new you who are awesome and unbeatable!

Keep positive and keep smiling :)

Best regards,


Kiki Fauzia